New Blog, New Me

I know it might sound crazy but I actually have some free time! The hubby took 2/3 of the children to the gym, while the I stayed at home with our napping baby. Honestly I was not feeling like being too productive today! I just spent the past 20 mins coloring. Yes thats right, coloring. Sure there are 50 million other things I could be doing right now but I am choosing to have productive-less free time. (And it feels good!) Im a little apprehensive for this particular post but something is bothering me, and on my mind and I feel this push to put it out there. (Lord, is that you?) It is friday night, after all, so Im betting most people are busy and this wont be read by a lot of people (wishful thinking?).

Earlier this afternoon I had an appointment at the eye doctor where I was examined to determine if I am a candidate for the LASIK procedure. This is something Ive wanted to do for over 10 years now but I had to wait until my vision had stabilized and for me to not be pregnant! Lol. Im hopeful that now is my time because I am blind, my contact rx is -7.5 so pretty much, without correction I see nothing. Everything is fuzzy.

So the point of this post… while the doctor was examining my left eye he noticed that there is a scar. He questioned me to try and figure out where it might have come from: Had ever had an infection. Nope. Had I ever been in an accident? Nope. Had I ever had surgery? Nope. Had my husband ever given me a black eye? (Juuuust kidding!) Nope! … Had I ever had trauma to the eye? … Well that is the question I could not answer and the source of my uneasiness.

I remember very little about my life before 6th grade. I try but it just does not come easy, its mostly snippets like in a photograph. Bits of information that I feel is real but I cant quite say for certain. Ever find yourself in a conversation and in mid-sentence, you forget a word? The word is on the tip of your tongue but you just cant think of it…  Its there – but not there. Thats what my childhood memories are like. Everything is fuzzy.

The trauma that occurred to my eye, the scar that might prevent me from getting this corrective vision procedure that Ive been wanting since I was 18, more then likely was caused sometime during that fuzzy time. For when I was a baby through my early childhood I was abused by my biological mother. Soon after I was born my biological father left and I was in her care, she was a dangerous woman and had no motherly bone in her body. Im not
really sure why or how someone could show anything except love to their child but she did not; I was exposed to physical harm and was abandoned. Thankfully my grandparents (her parents) were aware of her treatment and I came to live with them at 16 months old. My parents did everything they legally could to protect me but she was granted visitation during the weekends; knowing that she would more then likely hurt me in some way they had no choice but to abide by the court and let me go. Finally after -years- of hard evidence from the abuse/mistreatment and from the recommendation of my guardian ad litem, the courts took her rights away and legally stripped her from being my mother! Safe at last, my parents changed my last name and we moved away.

I know the details of what happened only from the memories of my parents and family members who also fought for my well being. I think its for the best that I do not remember most of my childhood and now I don’t really think about my past at all, I prefer the fuzzy memories over the alternative. Today though, it was all thrown into my face.

I was definitely shaken today, I wasn’t expecting to hear that I potentially wouldn’t be able to get LASIK because of the trauma suffered when I was a child. I was upset over the news I got and automatically wanted to vent about it, I came home and tried talking to my hubby but afterwards I still didn’t feel any better. It wasn’t until I realized, wait a minute I haven’t even prayed about this! and actually did pray that I was able to gain the right perspective. We all go through difficult circumstances, we have struggles and hardships. Hopefully we are able to overcome them and move past but even then, they can still creep back up into your life. What’s important is how you deal; Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Lord promises us that He will be our source of comfort, encouragement, and heal our broken hearts.

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